Eight SQL Server Signs the Illuminati Exist

Make no mistake about it, the signs that the Illuminati exist are all around us. You can find their markings on our buildings, on our currency and even in our music videos. That’s right, they’re everywhere!

They thrive by spreading fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD)–a tactic they’ve been using to exert their influence in areas of government, religion and finance for centuries. Just ask good ol’ Tom Hanks.

And now, it seems they’ve infiltrated our databases, too. Here are eight additional signs of the Illuminati that database professionals have overlooked for years.


Could there be a better piece of evidence that the Illuminati exist than NULLs? I don’t think so. NULLs represent the “unknown” and are a way for the Illuminati to spread their secrecy of the unknown throughout the world. I bet you have NULLs in your database right now. Go ahead and take a look. You are staring right at the Illuminati when you do.

The only way to get rid of NULLs is to normalize your database beyond recognition. Most database designers simply accept NULL values as a necessity, especially for data warehousing and OLAP systems. But every time you allow a NULL value into your database, you are accepting the fact that there is something unknown, that there are forces beyond your control.

Solid State Hard Drives (SSDs)

Created by the Illuminati in an effort to prey upon those companies and individuals that like to throw hardware at their performance problems, SSDs contain proprietary technology that the Illuminati use to control the flow of information. Use of SSDs is on the rise these days despite the fact that bad code can (and often does) bring the best hardware to its knees.

Purchasing SSDs to fix non-existent performance problems is just one way the Illuminati get companies to achieve less by spending more.

Globally Unique Identifiers (GUIDs)

Invented by the Illuminati in the late 1980’s as a way to track all data across all database platforms throughout the world, today GUIDs have spread to the cloud where we are told “not to worry” about their use. Who would tell you to not worry about using GUIDS? Why, the Illuminati, of course!

The drain on database performance from using GUIDs over time is well documented, causing pain for admins that are left to deal with the effects.


For years, we have been hearing that database servers were not candidates for virtualization. Who would be spreading such rumors? That’s right, the Illuminati!

These days, it’s well known that database workloads and databases of 140TB in size can be virtualized. Chances are, your systems don’t need as much size or throughput. So what’s stopping you? Just the same old FUD you’ve been hearing for years.

Big Data

Big data, little data, dark data, and the Internet of Things—all buzzwords created by the Illuminati to make you think that your current tools are not enough. The concepts behind the buzzwords are not new at all, they’re now just being presented in a manner that keeps everyone guessing as to what tools and knowledge are actually needed.

Chances are, the tools you need already exist and aren’t all that hard to come by; not to mention, you  likely already have the knowledge and skills necessary to cope with the changing data landscape. But knowledge is power, and that’s one thing the Illuminati don’t want you to have.


Remember when XML was all the rage? The Illuminati didn’t like the fact that XML provided rules for data structure, so they created JSON. XML offered the user the ability to create a schema around the data being transferred, which is not acceptable to an organization that thrives on anarchy!

JSON brings chaos from order by not allowing for your data to have a schema and therefore allows the Illuminati to continue their misinformation efforts.

Data scientists

Come on! This wasn’t even a real job title until a few years ago. But the Illuminati have managed to make everyone think it’s a real job. The fact is that these “data scientists,” as they are called, are put into key positions at companies to control all of the data analysis being done.

The Illuminati don’t want you to know that you don’t need a higher degree in mathematics or statistics to analyze data. They need you to think you aren’t good enough. That’s how they stay in control from the shadows.


Cloud technology is built on commodity hardware, and the Illuminati wants to keep people using specialized devices that contain their secret technology. The Cloud often provides significant financial advantages for many businesses and we’ve already mentioned how the Illuminati want to help companies achieve less by spending more.

That’s why you keep hearing the message that companies can’t move to the Cloud. It’s the Illuminati spreading their FUD once again.

Fighting Back

How can we fight back against this secret society? The answer is likely to involve Powershell; command lines; blue screens of freedom; and, of course, better monitoring.

Knowledge is power, so education and training also helps in the fight against FUD. Instead of just listening to someone tell you that you can’t virtualize a database server, or that the Cloud isn’t the right choice for you, or that SSDs are the answer for everything, you should take the time to try things for yourself.

In other words, “trust, but verify” should be the motto in our fight against the database FUD being spread by the Illuminati.

Mr. Hanks, we salute you.


Thomas LaRock is a Head Geek at SolarWinds, an IT performance management software provider based in Austin, Texas. He joined SolarWinds through the acquisition of Confio Software, where he was a Technical Evangelist. Thomas has over 15 years of IT experience and also serves as the President of the Board of Directors for the Professional Association for SQL Server. He is an avid blogger and the author of DBA Survivor: Become a Rock Star DBA, a book designed to give a junior to mid-level DBA a better understanding of what skills are needed in order to survive (and thrive) in their career. He is a Microsoft Certified Master, SQL Server MVP and holds a MS in Mathematics from Washington State University as well as a BA in Mathematics from Merrimack College.

Discuss this Blog Entry 1

on Feb 8, 2015

This made me laugh, honestly :) nice one, especially the JSON :D

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